Like a lot of people, the end of the year always puts me in a reflective headspace. While December 31st is a completely arbitrary moment, there’s so much around it culturally that it’s hard not to package up the last 12 months in your head and size them up.
I’ve done similar posts to this for the last two years, and I think they’re probably more for me than they are for any potential readers of this blog. I write them as little time capsules to look back on and to encourage me to properly take stock of the year rather than just focusing on the awkward interactions and fuck ups my mind tends to like to come back to over and over and over and over and over again.
So here it is, a brief look at my year in the round (a phrase I picked up from some judges this year – see the reflections have already begun).
At the end of last year I was just starting my role in Transform after a year of 3-monthly rotations. I was excited to get stuck in, to have some permanence and space for growth, to work with some people I think are pretty damn cool. Those feelings certainly haven’t gone away.
This year I really think I’ve grown in my role. I’ve carved out a space for myself within the work we do, focusing on research and service design. I’m working on a project, which while it’s incredibly frustrating at times, is fascinating and hugely rewarding. The frustration comes from a place of caring way too hard about what we’re trying to do, so it’s a symptom of love rather than boredom. While we’ve had some lows, we’ve also had some real successes, and I feel like I’m starting to own my role in those successes. The people around me are brilliant in their own ways and are constantly inspiring me to want to be better, and I know that I need to capitalise on that inspiration way more next year and also take time to let them know they’re what keeps me going.
In my non-work work I’ve done more this year than I ever have before. I think I say this every year but it’s true. I’ve had the pleasure of working with some incredible people and on some incredibly fun projects that have really pushed my work further. I’ve designed not one, not two, not three, but four podcast covers this year, which is kind of mind blowing. I’ve worked with old clients and new clients and drawn lots and lots of lovely people’s portraits. I think I’ve gotten better and I’ve started to make more of the work that makes me happy. I’ve also started to try and step up and be more professional. I know that if I want other people to take me seriously I need to do the same first.
Part of that work that makes me happy is still this blog. I know that I’ve taken a step back from it a little this year, starting to post twice a week instead of three times. I know that my views have almost halved, which perhaps should set off alarm bells for me. But I still love writing here and creating silly illustrations to go with those ramblings.
I’ve put more work into my social media and newsletter and they’re now bringing me so much joy, the newsletter in particular. It feels like a space where I can really be free and experiment with what I write and with what I draw.
I’m incredibly proud of what I’ve achieved this year. I’ve hit some of the big hairy financial goals I set myself. I’ve made some really great stuff, and consistently kept creating – even with the step back we’re looking at well over 100 posts this year, around 45 newsletters, and so many commissions.
It’s felt like sprint after sprint after sprint though, and now I’m exhausted. I’ve had so many moments of feeling burnt out this year. Every time it’s happened I’ve taken a short break but then pushed a little harder. But that’s not sustainable. Feeling weary in your bones at 25 probably isn’t healthy.
I need to find some balance between making myself proud and making myself happy. What I mean by that is, I need to work on nurturing those other sources of joy. The rush you get when you make something and love it is incredible, but I can’t rely on that to sustain me.
So, in short, 2019 was great personally (let’s ignore politically for this post) but I’m so glad that it’s time for the Christmas break now.
