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Welcome to the 5th, and probably the last, of my birthday entries on this blog.

This will be my 450th post. I’ve created at least as many illustrations to be part of them and written hundreds of thousands of words, trying to share the things I’ve learned and loved over the years. I have no idea how much time I’ve spent making things for this space, but I can say that there have been very few moments over the last 5 years where it hasn’t been in the back of  my mind.

As I reflect on the work I’ve done, it feels like the equivalent of an adolescent growth spurt. My body of work has expanded, taken a brand new more grown up form. I’m so proud to have this body of work and that it’s carried me so far. I’m proud I have so much to refer back to, to build on, to help carry me into the next phase of my life. 

But right now it’s all arms and legs, and probably needs some time to fill out. 

Sure there are moments when I look back at snapshots of that body in growth and I’m embarrassed. I’ve certainly outgrown what this blog was at its beginnings and the moniker I attached to it. Work over easy makes me cringe a little now.

That cringe isn’t why I’m stepping away after 5 years.

Growing this much, creating this much work, carrying this body around, has become exhausting. 

I know I’m not the only one feeling it. Everywhere I look people who have been putting work out into the internet, into the world, are burned out. Doing this consistently for so long is hard. 

I’ve slowly reduced my output and tried to focus on only making work I really love and I’ve made some things I’ve been thrilled by this year. But slowing down isn’t enough. 

I’ve known that since I started. I’ve toyed with stopping for years now. Every time I got close it felt like I was giving up, not moving on. I questioned what the point was if I could just give up this space. 

I never had a specific, overt aim when I started work over easy. But I’m sure I harboured some lingering fantasy that it would lead to some external success, that my work would take off, that it would lead to more prestigious platforms, that I’d get accolades and validation. 

That never happened. I’ve been fighting with the fact that it never will but that that doesn’t lessen what the process of making it has given me. I’d like to think that it’s brought something useful, or entertaining to the few people who’ve found themselves here over the years.

So this is it. There’s no big bang but hopefully a graceful step forward with my life which is so much more than this website.

While I say this is it, I know that it probably won’t be the end of me illustrating and writing for the web, or of me mediating and documenting my life online. I grew up online, here and in the neighbourhoods that came before. My portfolio will remain a touchstone between me here and there.

See you later alligators. 

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As London, very slowly, reopens I wanted to give a virtual tour of one of my favourite areas to share a glimpse with those who can’t visit and a few fun facts to make a visit more fun for those who can.

King’s Cross station has been a comforting presence in the city for me since I moved. It’s the station you arrive at if you’ve come from my hometown York so it’s the place I was most familiar with when the city felt unending in scale and scaries. It’s the spot that my mental map of London folds out from. 

After five years in the city, I’ve spent plenty more time in and out of the station, visiting home and heading out for work. The more time I’ve spent there, the more I’ve explored and so this virtual tour (thankfully) goes beyond the station walls. It’s been a joy to run/jog to when I’m looking to push myself and I’m sure it will become a regular haunt again when commuting and travel become a little more common. I’m grateful it’s one of the few places I’d head to feel grounded, despite being a place of transition. While I’m not promising to share anything too far off the beaten track, I did love mapping and trying to bring some life to one of my favourite places.

As I did my research for my map I came across so many other fun facts that it would have been rude not to share, so here’s a bonus infographic you can use as a bit of a scavenger hunt if you’re ever in the station or need to impress a friendly tourist.

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It’s been a while since I’ve introduced myself and checked in here. Hello! I’m Natalie and I make the stuff you see here and lots of other stuff too.

I’ve really been struggling with making recently. It’s been a hard year. It’s been a hard year for all of us, for the world. But I think this particular block had been building long before I’d ever heard of COVID-19.

The lyrics from a teenhood favourite song have been on a loop in my head.

a yellow ostrich with the lyrics I am a marathon runner and my legs are sore and I'm anxious to see what I'm running for

This is almost certainly my brain’s way of telling me I’m burnt out and I’m listening. I’m setting boundaries, saying no and taking time to rest. But I also think it’s a sign that I’m struggling with not having a clear direction for my work. 

For the past five years, I’ve been a really lame version of Clark Kent. I don my best reporter worthy outfit to work as a design researcher, largely on brilliant and serious government service design projects. Then when the internet calls I don my spandex (read pyjamas) and become someone who illustrates and tells visual stories online. Each of those identities have been running separately and they’ve been running in different directions, tearing me apart in the process.

Now it’s time to just be one person. 

I’ve tried in the past to define a set of values of a direction I thought would unify my work. But my 2019 mission statement now feels like a relic of who I thought I should be and what I thought I should be making. I don’t think anything I had on that list was bad or wrong. They’re all qualities that I strive to embody in my work. But I could only ever strive for them. They were too big, too nebulous, too generic. My work can never be everything. The only thing I can guarantee is that it will be mine. So right now I’m more interested in having something I can hold that encourages me to be who I am and to make the work I can make best while enjoying myself.

Right now that looks something like this.

I am a design researcher and illustrator (all of the time).

I am a person who uses visual storytelling to bring human centered research, inclusive services and interesting conversations to life. 

I make work that is inquisitive, structured, honest, inclusive and connected. 

I’m excited by those values. They are a north star I can use. I can measure myself and my choices against them. I can use them to say no to the work that doesn’t serve me and to make the work I do the best it can be to serve others.

Despite being only a few words it’s taken me a long while to get here. There was a lot of reflection behind each choice.

Inquisitive – I want to make work that reflects how much I love to ask questions, that’s not settled and makes people want to know more.

Structured – I want to make work that is rooted in method and rigour, and that uses structure to hold stories together.

Honest – I want to make work that tells the truth, even when it’s hard.

Inclusive – I want to make work that actively welcomes people in and that supports belonging for more people. 

Connected – I want to make work that is connected to its context and real life, but that also makes its own connections bringing new things together.

The process I went through leant heavily on brilliant work done by other people. I can’t prescribe steps because I think that working these things out is hugely personal. But I benefited hugely from Meg Lewis’s talks and workbook, talking to the wonderful Hollie Arnett, and this blog post by Emily Bazalgette. They all take quite different approaches and I think I needed all of those different ways to make enough cracks in the problem that I could get to the heart of it.

It was a messy process. But all process is, and it’s the best part.

So I want to reintroduce myself at the start of the next phase of this process. I’m ready to embrace the next phase of mess and then look back on it in a few years and see how that version of me in the world compares with this version. 

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I’m someone who thinks visually. If I can picture it or draw it, I find it much easier to hold in my mind. I also know that other people find my work more memorable and engaging when it uses images. 

I’m working on expanding my visual communication repertoire at the minute. I’m challenging myself to work more in narrative, use charts, and make more timelines. I draw a lot of diagrams at work when I’m trying to explain things, so I wanted to push myself to make something a little bit more polished for you all. 

So, I’ve tried to draw some of the mindset shifts I want to make as a new way of tackling them and hopefully helping you tackle them too. I loved trying to come up with ways to make the intangible clear and easy to see on the page.

Rip the bandaid off

Famously, if you worry you suffer twice. But as someone with an anxious disposition that’s easier said than done. Here’s to hoping it’s easier when it’s drawn. 

Ask the dumb questions

We all need a reminder from time to time that getting back to the basics is important. You need to be able to fully understand something to explain it simply. This is one that works both as a reminder for sharing explanations and receiving them. If it doesn’t make sense when someone explains it, you can (and should) peel back the layers til you really understand it too.

Imposter syndrome

Imposter syndrome is my constant companion. It’s rare I feel like I’m qualified for everything (or really anything) I do. But I’m trying to remind myself that while everyone knows something that I don’t, has strengths and skills that I don’t, no one has the exact same set of knowledge, strength and skills that I do. 

Look at the prize not just the obstacle

It’s easy to just focus on the things that are in your way, I know I certainly do. I fear I could have been a risk analyst in another life. But if you can keep one eye on the prize not only does it make the obstacle seem smaller, it keeps you focused on where you’re going and leaves space in your vision to find a way around them.

Experiments

A colleague recently shared the great idea of reframing changes in behaviour at work (for me being more assertive) as an experiment rather than a forever change. It really appealed to my researcher brain. Suddenly. doing something difficult becomes much easier when you’re focused on measuring and learning from the impacts rather than just how uncomfortable you might be.

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It’s become a bit of a tradition here to share something for international women’s day. I’ve shared pieces celebrating incredible women and their words, and last year I put together a timeline of the history of the day. But this year I wanted to try something a little different. 

Rather than quotes out of context or a wide ranging timeline I wanted to tell a story, a story by an incredible woman that related to the themes of international working women’s day.

When I saw Dolly’s Letter to my Younger Self interview in the Big Issue a few weeks ago I knew that I’d read the story I wanted to share. Dolly has been a real inspiration this year, with all of her support of the vaccine, alongside all of her other charitable endeavours. But this story is all about Dolly as a businesswoman. It’s about using your art to tell your story and being proud of your truth, about knowing your value and saying no when you have to, and it’s about recognising the talents of other women along the way.

Without further introduction here’s my illustrated version of that story.

I’ve obviously not had the pleasure of interviewing Dolly myself so the words in this piece came from: