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I am not a natural networker. I don’t have a jazz hands personality. I think I might be allergic to small talk. But I like getting to know new people and having interesting conversations. It’s also a huge part of my job, so networking and presenting myself as confident, even I’m freaking out internally, is kind of unavoidable.

So, I thought I would share some of the things I’ve been doing, and that have been working when I’m in those situations. I’ve found that when I go into meeting someone new, or networking, and I feel (or at least seem) confident I get a whole lot more out of it and dare I say I actually enjoy it because I’ve made it into the situation I want it to be. It becomes less about small talk and more about having an engaging conversation and building a real connection with someone.

DO A LITTLE BIT OF PREP

I like to have an idea of things I can talk about before I go into a room. That can either be having a flick through the news, or a refresh of the topic of a talk or even mentally scrolling through my finest anecdotes. Don’t feel like you need to have a script, sometimes that can be more of a hindrance than a help. But, having a couple of fallback topics you can start or lead a conversation with can really help build your initial confidence and kill the “oh no what if I don’t have anything to say” demon.

SHAKE IT OUT

When I did my GCSE exams I had a ritual of pretending to be an octopus before I went in and shaking my limbs all over the place, and it really helped calm me down. Unfortunately, flailing around is frowned on in an office situation.  So instead I like to have a little wander or a desk-bound boogie. Not only is this fun, and a great way to make you feel good. It also helps get rid of some of the excess cortisol (the chemical you produce when you’re stressed) your body is producing.

GIVE YOUR SHOULDERS A GOOD ROLL

In my quest to feel more confident in networking situations, I’ve read a lot and I kept reading “stand up straight”. That makes sense. It makes you look like a confident lil peacock which is wonderful. The only issue is I start to overthink it a bit, and then I’m less confident peacock and more uncomfortable wooden post. For me, what has worked is rolling my shoulders back when I walk into a room. I know this sounds weird, but you can’t help but to stand up straighter after you’ve done it and it means I’m not constantly telling myself not to slouch as I try to mingle.

ASK QUESTIONS

People like people who are interested in them. Fact. So be interested. Ask plenty of questions, about them and what they’re doing and follow up on things they’ve said. This will make the other person feel tip top and like a rock star, but it also takes the pressure off you having to say something really clever. Be the person who drives the conversation on, and you’ll feel much more in control.

STAND AT AN ANGLE

Standing at a slight angle (don’t turn your back on the person) really helps the whole eye contact situation so much. It allows you to give them eye contact when they’re speaking/you’re speaking but also look away so your don’t have to bore holes in their eyes with your laser-like stare without it being super uncomfortable/obvious.

FYI – I stole this from my boyfriend’s peer support training

SLOW DOWN

I don’t know about you, but when I get nervous I talk at approximately 300 miles an hour. Sometimes that’s fun. Most times it leaves me feeling more nervous because I trip over my words, and it leaves whoever I’m talking to completely bamboozled because they can’t understand my babbling. Try slowing down a little bit, it will make you seem and feel much more confident in what you’re saying. Take a little breath before you start and really pace yourself.

PS – it’s super hard to talk too slowly (unless you’re aiming for that slo-mo robot vibe) so don’t worry about going too far.

MAKE EVERYONE ELSE FEEL COMFORTABLE

I feel like a lot of other advice about seeming or feeling confident says not to focus on the other person, but I’m going to suggest doing the exact opposite. Put your energy into making the other people in the room feel comfortable. If you see someone else looking kind of awkward go and say hi. If you’re in a conversation make sure you’re really listening to what the other person is saying. If you’re giving a talk, keep it light and make your audience feel included. This does a few things. First, it means you stop focusing on how you’re doing and your own internal freakout. Second, if you’re focusing on the other person being comfortable you’re not worrying about if they think you’re funny or you’ve got broccoli in your teeth. Third, positivity breeds positivity, which means if the person you’re chatting to is comfortable and relaxed you probably will be too.

KNOW THAT EVERYONE ELSE IS PROBABLY FREAKING OUT TOO

This is a complete cliché, but it’s true. Everyone can get nervous, and uncomfortable, and a bit “ughghgh” when they have to present themselves. I have honestly had conversations with CEO’s, who I think are incredible speakers, who get just as nervous as anyone else. So don’t let it hold you back!

 

Do you have any top tips or secret techniques for feeling more confident and composed when you’re really not feeling it?

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I almost picked up a copy of Naïve. Super by Erlend Loe a few years ago. It was a staff recommended read in Waterstones, and its unusual size and simple cover caught my eye. But, for some reason I didn’t buy it. Then, earlier this year, I came across Naïve. Super again, in another recommended reading list, and it brought me back instantly to reading the first page of it in store. So, I got myself a copy, nestled into my favourite reading nook, and got started.

Naïve. Super is the story of an unnamed man having a quarter life crisis. At the age of 25 he has lost his sense of purpose and joy, and so leaves his master’s program and goes to stay in his brother’s apartment while he is away. He has nothing to do all day but send the occasional fax, throw a ball, and mindlessly play with a hammer and peg game. He’s trying to quiet his thoughts, to feel okay, but he’s not quite sure how.

Along the way he befriends a boy named Børre and takes a trip to New York. But all the while his focus moves between the tiny details of the day to day and huge questions of the nature of time and the universe.

It’s a navel-gazing novel, but it never feels like its wallowing. Even when the plot isn’t necessarily moving forward, he has a sense of progression of hopefully looking towards a solution towards a happier future. He’s finding his way rather than being completely lost. That really struck a chord with me. Even if all feels lost, you can look forward and you can still be good. He’s depressed (or at least he seems to be for many of the novel’s pages) but he’s also a good person, who is impacting on so many other lives without even really noticing. That’s what’s heart-warming, at least for me, about this short little novel.

Loe’s prose is remarkably simple. The sentences, like the chapters and the book overall, are simple. The language is simple. The structure is simple. But it never feels unintelligent, or lacking depth. There’s something endearing about the narrator’s voice, just as there is something about how he views the world. That endearing simplicity was what I enjoyed most about this book. It was a much needed 150 pages of respite from books, and quite frankly a world, that are so jaded.

I’m so glad that I waited until now to read it. I think I got a lot more out of it than I would have when I was in my teens. There’s something about its naivety that I really appreciated now, and found almost soothing, that might have irritated me before.

I will say that if you’re looking for a book that’s packed with action or fast paced dialogue, this isn’t going to be one for you. But if you’re looking for something hopeful and reflective, and that can act as respite for a busy mind and a burdened soul, you should probably go and grab yourself a copy.

It’s a little bit weird. It’s a little bit introspective. It’s a little bit philosophical. It’s a little bit sad. It’s a little bit hopeful. And it’s more than a little bit readable.

SOME QUESTIONS TO PONDER AS YOU READ

  • There are a number of reproduced searches and letters in the book, did you enjoy their inclusion? Did the change in reading format add to your reading experience?
  • Loe writes in very simple language, how did you relate to the naïve voice of the narrator?
  • Naïve. Super is extremely short, are you a long-read or a short-read kind of person?
  • If you’re reading Naïve. Super in English, as I did, you’re reading a translation, to what extent do you feel you’re reading the same book as someone in Loe’s native Norway?
  • The narrator makes a lot of lists, lists of things that used to make him happy, things that make him happy now, how do his lists compare to your own?

IF YOU WANT SOME FURTHER READING TRY…

There’s not as much out there (in English at least) about Naïve. Super as previous reads, so this list is a little short than the last few book club’s recommended reading lists.

IF YOU WANT MORE BOOKS LIKE THIS HAVE A LOOK AT…

Why not use Naive. Super themed bookmark I designed to keep your place as you read? You can print and download it for free here.

As ever, let me know if you’ve read Naive. Super, or if you have any recommendations for what I should be reading next.

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I’m going on holiday!

Very soon I’m going to be making my way to the airport to get on a flight to Portugal to visit Sintra (google it, it looks magical) and to revisit Lisbon. I am so excited. I am in need of some sunshine and a little bit of that treat yo self feeling when it comes to gifting myself some me-time.

I went to Portugal around 5 years ago now (oh wow that makes me feel old) at the start of my big gap year European travels. I went to Faro and Lisbon. I got horribly sunburned (having a peeling forehead isn’t a good look). I cycled to a beach by going through an airport. On the same trip, I fell off my bike on the motorway. I realised Portuguese people take karaoke very seriously. I watched a new friend tackle a plastic waiter through a glass barrier, then try and get into a rubbish truck. I almost gave an old Russian lady a heart attack by turning on the light in the hostel when I was going to bed (it was only 10pm okay!). I ate some incredible custard tarts. I saw Belem. I visited the street where Fernando Pessoa wrote The Book of Disquiet. In short, I had a fantastic time, and I can’t wait to go back and visit Sintra.

Because I’m going to be away, there’s not going to be any posts here, or really on social media, for about a week. For me, that seems like ages. There’s a big old gap in my editorial calendar. But for you, it probably won’t be that long. You, dear read (hi!) might not have even noticed if I hadn’t written this post. No one actually cares that much if I take a day off social, or if I take a week, or three, off blogging.

That might sounds like I’m being super negative. I’m not. When I came to this realisation, that no one is as invested in what I’m doing as I am it was so freeing. If I’m the only person I’m accountable to, if I’m the only person who will notice, then why should I feel bad about taking a week off to enjoy some sights and some sunshine? Have I let anyone down? No, in fact I’ll probably come back from a rest even better.

I’ve harped on about this before, but it is so important to take breaks, proper breaks. That said I’m the absolute worst at practising what I preach when it comes to time off. I hardly ever just take a full day off doing any work. Then, when I do, I spend the whole day anxious about what I could be doing.

Why do I do that? I’ve got to give myself some credit, to trust that things will be okay, that I’ve done what I need to, and if I’m happy with what I’m making and happy to take a break then that’s all that matters. At one point this year I was 2 months ahead on my blogging schedule, but I was still freaking out if I hadn’t written something that day. Man was that dumb. On one hand, it’s good to want to be productive. On the other, you (and I, mainly I) really need to understand that it’s also good to stop and to know that you can take a break, even if it isn’t a special occasion.

And right now I really feel like I need that break. I haven’t been feeling the best about what I’m creating. I’ve been comparing myself to others, and just generally feeling pretty down on myself and what I produce. While I’ve freed myself of your expectations, I haven’t managed to escape my own. I really don’t feel like I’m where I want to be in my work or in my life at the moment, and that’s a tricky feeling to navigate and keep working. So I’m hoping this break will do me the world of good, and allow me to step back and reevaluate.

So, I’m about to embark on a guilt-free holiday and damn does it feel good. If you need a break. If you need a holiday. Just do it.

See you all in a week or so, when I’m hopefully going to be well rested, and a little bit more tan.

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One of the many criticisms levelled at millennials (a term I’m not a huge fan of but will continue to use despite my disdain) is that we’re massively impatient. We grew up in a world that moved faster than any other before it and in an age where everything from information to food, to dates has, in part due to technology, been easier to access. To an extent, I think that’s true.

But some things take time, and I’m trying to learn to have patience with those things.

There are two categories of impatience. There’s the impatience that comes from slow wifi, which can make you feel angry and frustrated. Then there’s the impatience that comes from not feeling like you have the big things in life which are actually processes rather than things you can possess e.g. job satisfaction which can make you feel, or at least it makes me feel, dejected and without purpose.

8 things to do before 8 am

ARGH, WHY DO PEOPLE WALK SO SLOW?

I think we all experience some kind of short-term impatience, for me one little impatience that always get my goat is feeling trapped behind a slow walker even if I’m only walking the 200m to the tube and I know it’s going to be slow. This kind of impatience seems to be written about quite a lot, and people seem to have a whole series of “solutions” for these short-term frustrations. A few of my favourites have included:

ASK HOW MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE IT WILL MAKE

If you’re stuck in a queue, or behind a slow walker, how long are you actually “stuck” there? How much of a difference is that going to make to your day? Is waiting an extra 3 minutes for the bus actually going to set you back that much if you’re going to procrastinate for 20 minutes on the other side?

HAVE EMPATHY

When you’re impatient for someone else to do something try and put yourself in their shoes. Think about how they might be feeling, what might be holding them up, how you breathing down their neck might affect them and then treat them with the grace and kindness you would want in that situation.

MAKE YOURSELF WAIT MORE

Practice being patient. Make yourself wait to buy that pair of shoes you want or that incredible looking cookie until you get home. It will taste all the sweeter for being saved and you’ll get better at waiting for things you want.

BE THANKFUL

An article published in the Journal of Psychological Science claimed that you can “reduce impatience with a simple gratitude exercise”. So, work on being thankful for what you have when you’re impatient, or just generally. Whether that’s realising what you have, or reaching out to thank someone for their work or support in a bigger way.

RECOGNISE THAT IT’S OKAY TO BE UNCOMFORTABLE

We don’t like to be bored or frustrated or uncomfortable, but they’re necessary feelings. If you’re always comfortable you don’t appreciate it and you don’t get anywhere. Being uncomfortable isn’t intolerable and it will pass, learn to love it a little bit.

You will notice that taking a deep breath has been actively not included on this list.

OH WHEN WILL I GET THERE?

For me, this is the impatience that actually bothers me, and I’m really working on. I quite often feel frustrated or impatient that I either don’t know what I want to do with my life or my career yet or that I’m not in a better imaginary position. I’m constantly looking for a magic switch to turn on my life satisfaction, which isn’t ever going to work. I want to feel fulfilled in my work. I want to have confidence in my choices. I want to be someone 15-year-old me would have been impressed by. I would also very much like my own space, but that’s less of a satisfaction and more of an I have to just persevere through being young and unable to afford rent.

I’m slowly realising the things that will really fulfil and sustain me take time to develop and I have to engage with that process, rather than checking out because it didn’t work immediately and looking for something new, something better.

If I’m honest I’m not sure that being on a grad scheme, where I move jobs every 3 months helped with that. Every quarter I change environments and hope that my underlying issues will be solved by some external factor, surprise surprise it didn’t happen.

But I’m not using that as an excuse. These are the four things I’m working on to deal with my life impatience.

REALISE THERE IS NO END GOAL

This is a big one to remember for me. There is no end career. There is not yes I have happiness I have won. Whenever I feel like I’m trying to race to a finish line I like to go back to this Adam JK print. There is no end, there’s only trying so you need to learn to enjoy and get the most out of the trying rather than looking past it to something you won’t get.

WORK ON WHAT YOU CAN DO WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW

Think about what you actually want. By that, I don’t mean a job title, or a salary, or a house, but the things that you want from those things: creativity, purpose, freedom, independence etc. Then work out how you can work those things into what you have now. You might not be able to get all of them or get them in the form you want but you can always incorporate them more into what you have now, even if that’s just realising you’ve already got them.

RECOGNISE HOW FAR YOU’VE COME

I’m always looking ahead to the next thing, or to the skills I will need and don’t have yet. Taking some time to look back on where you’ve come from and what you’ve learned is so important. Wherever you are, you’ve come from somewhere. Recognising that you’ve already gone some of the way can make you realise that you’re moving forward, and there’s not as much need to be impatient.

KNOW IT’S NORMAL

I think I end loads of these feelings-y posts on, you’re not the only one. But you know what I don’t care because it’s true. We’re all impatient and we all want to be better and everyone who starts anywhere is probably a bit uncomfortable with it. It’s easy to see the people in the positions you want and not think about how long it took to get there, or to see other people in your position as projecting that they’re happy and loving the process (no one loves it 100% of the time). You’re not the only one, and waiting is normal. You’re not behind. You’re not going too slow. You’re going at your own pace, and you’re going* which is all that matters.

*Even if you’re not obviously going where you want you’re still going, promise.

PS – sorry if you were eager to get to the end of this one, I know it was long, but just see it as an exercise in patience

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Some days you just feel like this furry fella, and why shouldn’t you naps truly are the best. But sometimes you have to work through the urge to nap and the desire just not to do anything and get your shit done. There’s no magic cure to feeling unmotivated if there was I would be stocking up, but there definitely are things you can do to get back in the groove depending on why you’re feeling unmotivated.

How to Work When You're Unmotivated Sloth Illustration

SHORT TERM:

YOU’RE HAVING AN UNPRODUCTIVE DAY/HALF DAY

YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING AT YOUR SCREEN TOO LONG

Screen fatigue is a real thing. As someone who works 8 hours a day in an office then goes home to look at a screen some more. If your eyes are dry, you’ve got a headache, or you’re just struggling to focus step away from the screen. Every hour or so when I’m in the office I try to get up and go for a walk (read tea break) just to get away from my laptop. I don’t take my phone with me on lunch breaks and just read or chat to colleagues. You would be amazed at how refreshed you can feel after a screen break.

YOU’VE BEEN DOING THE SAME TASK ALL DAY

The classic symptom of this one is the nagging little voice who keeps saying “I don’t want to do this anymore”. If you’re bored with doing one long task, step away from what you’re doing and pick a little task off your to do list and go and do that instead. Doing this not only gives you a break it also gives you that little dopamine hit of finishing something which you can end up longing for if you’re working on something big. If you really have to finish that one thing, try doing it in a new location or in a different way. If you’ve been typing at your desk, try handwriting the next paragraph or two at the kitchen table. If you’ve been working on the same graphic for ages, pick a different section or work on it upside down! Just give yourself a change.

YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE TO START

It’s hard to be productive or motivated if you don’t know what you’re doing. Taking the time to put together a plan for what you’re going to do, with clear goals and manageable stages can really help motivate you because you can put yourself on a track to success.

YOU HAVE TO DO LIST OVERWHELM

Have you ever felt like you’re just too busy to do anything and then ended up doing nothing but panicking about how much you have to do? That’s a feeling I like to call to do list overwhelm, and it usually comes from trying to cram more into a day than is physically possible. The first step to beating to do list overwhelm is going through your list and getting rid of anything that isn’t actually a priority, you’ve got to be ruthless. Then break down the items you have left into little chunks that way each one feels like something you can do easily.

YOU’RE JUST TIRED

If you’re falling asleep at your desk, get cosy somewhere else and just take that nap. Sometimes you do just need a nap.

LONG TERM:

YOU’RE HAVING AN UNPRODUCTIVE FORTNIGHT OR YOU’RE ALWAYS FEELING UNMOTIVATED

YOU DON’T HAVE A PURPOSE

I don’t know about anyone else but for me to really engaged with a piece of work I have to know why I’m doing it. It needs to have a purpose. Have a think about the task you’re avoiding, why do you need to do it? What is the outcome going to be once you’ve done it? Does it fit into a bigger scheme of work, will it help people, will it allow you to do something else, will you learn from it? When you know why you’re doing something and what you’re going to get back from doing it, it’s so much easier to motivate yourself to do it.

YOU’VE DECIDED IT’S GOING TO SUCK

I am so guilty of this one. Sometimes I just decide something is going to be rubbish, or that I’m not going to have a good day. That can be a random decision or it can be based on “I didn’t have a good day yesterday so I won’t today either” or “I’m bored and grumpy and I just don’t want to do anything”. I guess just thinking more positively would be the answer, but honestly, I have no idea how that works – if someone can tell me how to flip my emotions just because I want to please please let me know. Instead what I would suggest is bribing yourself a little bit to get going. If you write that presentation you can go outside for lunch. If you sort out your invoices you can get into your pyjamas early. When you’ve decided something is going to suck, you have to start before you can realise that it doesn’t suck and I am fickle and easily bribed by naps, tea, and the promise of a square of a Ritter sport bar.

IT ISN’T FOR YOU

If you feel unmotivated every day when you go to work or go to chip away at a project at some point you have to decide if it’s something you actually want to carry on with. Being chronically unmotivated can be a symptom of something bigger so it’s worth taking the time to work out why it is you’re motivated and whether you’re happy with where you’re at.